Waiting in Vain?

I've been waiting for this since I have been back to the states. I have been waiting for this since the Father thought of me before my formation in my mother's womb. I have been waiting for this until the appointed time. I have been waiting.

Waiting is a very hard thing to do, especially when your heart is set on one thing, especially when that one thing is not understood by many people. Waiting is a struggle and trial; waiting is a sort of death to other desires and longings. There are somethings on which we wait half-heartedly as if there is no hope, but there are other things which we wait for longingly with a sense of possession already. There are some things we give up waiting on, there are others which are planted so deeply within the root system of our very being that we could not stop waiting for, even when the seconds which pass by prick our very hearts to the deepest reaches. There are somethings like this in life, but not many.

There are two things which I have been waiting for. One of them is in my grasp, again, and one of them will happen when it happens, according to schedule and according to plan.

Since I can remember there has been something in me that has always been attracted to the foreign and exotic. Some sort of strange romance which wooed me when no other facets of life seemed to shine. In my childhood I was easily captivated by stories of missionaries and their travels. I collected change to give them in my little rice bowl. Each week I prayed for American families who were living abroad. I wanted to go to China. I wanted to visit Africa. I wanted to meet people like Lottie Moon. In high school it was a joy to me to see the diversity that surrounded me and to see the people of the world who had come to live in my very own city. My heart grew steadfast into the desire to see these people where they live, on their terms, in their cultures. "Third World" to me is so alluring and promising and beautiful. Learning of peoples and tribes brings me to tears; my desire is to know and love them with the love with which I have been loved in the Son.

As I have aged, my desires have shown themselves to be true and pure, and completely incomprehensible to anyone else. How can I explain something that is so deeply part of my being? How can I show that this is not something which I have planted and water, but rather it is something which the Father has rooted and watered and nourished? How can I say this with understanding to anyone who has not felt such a desire, or been shown a glimpse of their purpose in life? How? Its not for my benefit that I desire to live among the poor of this world, its not for my own gain. Its not an escape, its not a release... Its hard. Its lonely. Its heart wrenching. Who wants something like this? How can anyone understand?

I'm going back. I'm leaving soon. On April 21, 2008 I am going to India. I will spend 2 months in a major city working with a team doing research that will be used in the future by those who make a life of the TASK. Then I'm in my way to Indonesia, where, as before, I'll be working for a secular school teaching English. So, by my estimates, I'll be gone for at least a year and two months. I'm leaving soon; I'm ready to go.